The only thing they told me was to be at court 15 minutes early. Yet I knew they were going to take her. They threatened to do it 2 years earlier. They said "If you report again we will put your daughter in foster care".
I believed them. Her father said "Good at least she won't be with her crazy mom.
When I say they, it wasn't CPS it was a woman from a child advocacy center that made the threat. UNBELIEVABLE!
CPS had already made their threat about 6 months earlier. They even offered to help father if he wanted to go after having me prosecuted for false allegations.
When the hearing was over CPS asked where my daughter was. I told them. She said we will be picking her up in 15 minutes. She was at an activity with children and parents present. I tried to be calm, I couldn't. They were ripping her away from me and her entire life.
CPS woman noted in report that I was emotional. Are you kidding me??? You are stealing my daughter. You gave me no time to prepare her, my family or myself. You gave me no options to keep her with me, to try and place her with family. You pretended and led me to believe for months you were investigating her disclosure. That you were investigating her father for exposing her to porn, exposing himself and making her lick him. Instead you were building a bogus case based on outdated and inaccurate information. Some were out right lies!
An officer was standing by when I arrived to see her. I spent my 15 minutes with her my heart breaking into a thousand pieces. She had no idea what or why. I couldn't begin to explain. I just held her and we cried. I told her I loved her and would do whatever I had to so she could come home. I told her she did nothing wrong and this was not her fault. I just kept hugging and kissing her. I didn't want to let go.
While I was with her I sent some family members to get a few things for her. They grabbed her favorite blanket, some pajamas and a few favorite toys.
I watched her get into the vehicle with the CPS monsters. I hugged her one last time. Tears were streaming down our faces. She looked afraid. She asked if she could bring her puppy.
The officer there lied and said she was just going for a few days.
I went home and lost it. I cried. The pain was like that of a death of a loved one. I would tremble,crumble and felt like throwing up. I couldn't breathe. Family and friends called, stopped over. For days this continued, some family drove all night to be here. It was similar to going through a funeral process. Shock, crying, talking, questioning and doing it again for days. I walked around in shock for days. I had flashbacks to the morning when I dropped her off and didn't stay. I had flashbacks of our goodbye. I had flashbacks of her running to me from the bus, smiling and jumping into my arms. The entire family was numb, scared and in total disbelief. It was a nightmare. We had each other to hug, sob and console. She was alone.
I packed clothes and toys for her the next morning. I wanted her to have familiar things with her. I asked CPS if they could get them to her. She didn't think so. My daughter did not see me again for 6 days and that is when I was able to give her those things.
Since she was taken months ago. Since then she was allowed one visit with all of her siblings and her grandma.
Foster care has already returned many of her belongings. She has too much stuff there.
She has nothing. Her baby dolls, teddy bear, minion and books all came back. Her bedroom looks the same as the day she left. It is full of babies, high chair, cribs, bunk beds, changing table, games, puzzles, books, barbies, polly pockets, strawberry shortcake. The basement has her kitchen set, make up table, keyboard, more dolls, totes of stuffed animals, dress up clothes, etc.
The living room has her barbie house and tinker belle table and chairs.
Her older sister is here. Her older brother stopped in for a long visit today. Grandma stops in every few days. Aunts, uncles cousins call or stop over. They all are heart broken. They all feel for her and worry if she is ok. They worry if she is afraid or lonely.
We did Thanksgiving and Christmas without her. We celebrated birthday parties without her. I attend church and cry. I try to stop the tears, keep my pain hidden. It's too hard, the music, the families, the words. I always took her to church and she sat on my lap, crawled around and squirmed. It was a special close time for us.
I never tell her when her siblings and I have an event. I can't bear to let her know she is missing out.
Her dance classes go on without her. I doubt even if she comes home she could participate in the recital. She missed too many classes.
She no longer attends religious education. Her aunt used to drive her and her cousins there after school once a week.
She has been pulled from everything she has ever known as safe and fun. She has been pulled away from an enormous family that loves her and supported her.
I sit here with my older daughter, my son has left for the night. Every room in this house is a reminder of my daughter and her life here. It is deafeningly quiet and empty. It is hard for her older siblings to visit. It is painful beyond words. Her 21 year old brother told me how he stays busy all day but at night the tears run.
There is so much pain in this house.
There has to be so much more pain in the house she now lives at. She sleeps alone there. Nothing in that house is about her or her past. She is isolated, she is confused. She fears what she can tell me at our visits. She is always looking over her shoulder to see how the supervisor is reacting to her comments.
She no longer feels safe, she can no longer trust.
She is a little innocent girl that told of her abuse and she is paying the hugest price. "EVERYTHING" they stripped her of everything.
She begs to come home. It breaks my heart every time I leave that I have again let her down.
I hope and pray she will understand some day why this happened. I pray she can heal. I pray she can somehow regain her family and her life.
I was warned to not report. THREATENED yet I had to. All CPS needed was for her to disclose. She finally was old enough or brave enough to talk. Will she ever trust to talk again?
When will her nightmare end?
Why does society say we need to teach our children to talk, don't keep secrets? Society believes that someone will help these children if they talk, society has no idea the real truth.
Society should talk to my little girl. They can find her in a little town far away from me in a little room, a little empty room. Alone.
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