I am allowed phone calls. Her sister and brother were here, I put it on speaker. They were excited to hear her voice as they can not call or see her.First there was joy in their eyes but then a hint of sadness. They know they can not speak for fear I will lose my phone privileges. Malia heard them in the background and wanted to know who is here and what we are doing. I must lie. I can not make her feel more left out or alone. It would break her heart to know we are going to watch a movie without her. I either lie or just flat out not tell her what is going on back home. I have to protect Malia. Malia missed Thanksgiving, 2 Christmas parties, the visit to her brothers to see what my grand babies got. She missed 2 birthday parties, her sister in law's baby shower, 2 trips to her sister and niece's house, missed movies, shopping and little family gatherings. Our family is close. It has been incomplete without Malia and the pain is palpable. My other children are adults. They have shared their pain and told of the times they spend in tears. They cry themselves to sleep. How many tears has Malia shed in silence, alone? She talks about coming home and makes me take some of her things when I visit. Things we can play or do when she comes home. Will she come home? When? What kind of a home will it be? It can never be as before, it can never be a safe, happy and secure place. There will always be that fear of her being taken away. Stolen. My children, grand babies, my mom and other family members don't want to stop over. It is too quiet. It is so empty. It is filled with her presence and her belongings, they are everywhere but she is far away.
They look at her Barbie house, her books on the shelf,they pass by her room and it is all as she left it. I get pressure from my family to do more. Try this or try that. They are outraged.
I have been a mother for 30 years. I am a grandmother. I have watched nieces, nephews, friends and neighbors children. I have chaperoned field trips, taken class and was approved to supervise stranger's children. I have been on parish council, school committees, volunteered, coached, hosted birthday parties, graduation parties, bridal and baby showers. Children were here all the time, swimming in our pool, shooting hoops in the shed, snowmobiling, sledding, sleep overs and make overs. I was known and trusted to be with children. Now I am on the child abuse/neglect registry. I must have supervised visits with my daughter Malia. I must always be within ear shot, eyes on me at all times. I am not allowed to discuss certain things with Malia. I can not be in the restroom with her, I was yelled at today for letting the door shut. I am treated like a criminal. We sometimes visit at the library. I waited for the supervisor so we could check books out, I didn't want to be scolded. My daughter piped up "she doesn't have to go with us, daddy and I go by ourselves." Excuse me. He made her lick his penis. He is allowed alone with her, no visual and out of earshot. Who is the suspect? Who is the perpetrator? Malia had a doctor's appointment. How humiliating to have this foster care mom discuss her health. She was telling the doctor what needed to be done. She is apparently an expert mom and physician. How embarrassing to see people in the waiting room and overhearing this stranger make Malia's appointment. How embarrassing to meet your child at the library and run into neighbors and friends. My daughter told a little boy there "I have a foster mom." My heart shattered into 1000 pieces. Malia had a dental appointment. I wasn't told I could be there. I know everyone that works there. What did they think when they saw her with the foster mom? At a meeting for the family, the foster care worker, Amber Young told me "I want you to talk to Jacob when you see him at visits. I want you to tell him how much homework you did, what she ate." The caseworker wanted me to talk to the man that hurt Malia. I was home for most of my children's growing up years. I did not leave them in daycare all day. I have adult children. They are amazing, intelligent, college graduates. They attend church, volunteer, have jobs, spouses, babies, no criminal or psychological issues. How dare this caseworker talk to me like that, how dare she force me to be polite to the man that is molesting my innocent, beautiful little girl. FUCK HER! People ask me in the store "where in mini you?" My children were always with me. How do I respond to this? How did my child get taken from me? How do you explain this insanity of dealing with pedophiles, court injustice, CPS - DHS corruption? It took me years of research on these topics to somehow wrap my head around it. I knew the threat of her being removed. I educated myself. I took their threat serious. "Report abuse again and we will put your child in foster care." How do you explain to the general public that children are a commodity, courts and CPS are corrupt, abusers win custody, reporting turns into false allegations, money and sex rule the world?? How do you explain how something so horrible happened? I run into friends, old coworkers and they want to know how it's going. There is pain in their eyes. I know they are hurting for Malai. I see concern and fear about their own children. I have been told "If they can take your child, they can take anyones". Yes they can and no one can stop it. They have enormous power and no one questioning it. I have my moments of pain, humiliation and embarrassment and they only make me stronger. I know who I am. My daughter, family and friends all know that I am a loving, nurturing, strong, kind and fair mom. I have amazing proof, I have raised children that I am proud of. I have raised children that are an asset to this fucked up world. I do not know what all the trauma of abuse, foster care and their manipulation will do to Malia but I will never give up on her. I will never stop trying to get her help and heal her. If I have one failing as a mother it is because the courts and DHS destroyed her or tried to. They would not believe Malia or protect her from her monster father. At the end of the day I know that the shame and the blame is on them! So fuck their moments of power, humiliation and condescending attitudes. They will no break me and they will not break mini me!
